Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark

LYRICS

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

What is life?

Mike finally got the trach today. They put the peg in too. All went well, and the staff said he was agitated and irritated when he came out of surgery. For someone in a vegetative state, how do you show agitation is my question... The results from Wednesday's EEG are not in yet.

Anyway, Mike is still hanging in there. I have been learning the value of a day, an hour, a minute. Every moment is precious. With everyday bringing new information and new promises, all I can do is hold on and appreciate what I do have.

I have been scanning the internet looking for answers. What is considered "life"?

The doctors have been pressuring me for 2 weeks to "end Mike's suffering". It is hard not to consider the value of a life. I hear a lot about "quality of life". Here are my thoughts for the day on what I have found.

Mike is alive. Given a few weeks, he will be off the ventilator. His heart is beating and steady on its own. In fact, his heart is strong. When I see him, he looks like he is sleeping. He has been trying to open his eyes, but he does not respond to pain like you and I do.

The lady that did his EEG said he DOES respond to me. She could see it on the EEG. Does that mean he has memory of me?

By all accounts, Mike is alive. In a few weeks, he will be alive without the need of medical assistance except for the feeding tube.

But the question is his "neurological status". Mike is not trying to move; he does not respond to stimuli; his eyes do not always dilate appropriately.

So the question becomes "quality of life". Obviously, Mike will never be the Mike he once was. Should he by some miracle wake up today, he would never be the same. But he is still Mike. He is the man I love; he is my soul mate for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

No one knows the future, and no one can explain him being alive as he is today. While doctor's can read textbooks, some things are NOT explainable by textbooks. The body may be like a machine and maybe that is what binds us all together. Our commonality is our physical body. But there is something more that each living being possesses that makes us unique.

If we take away that uniqueness, are we any less human?

So let's say that this is our mind, our brain that makes us unique. Our brain holds our memories, and creates thoughts. By processing past experiences we utilize our mind in our daily life. Since each of our experiences on this journey are different, we all act, believe, and feel differently. Is that what makes us unique?

Then I think about myself. I was in a bad first marriage... but I did not react or act like everyone else. This is not to say that I acted in a unique manner, but I did not kill my ex-husband as some people do... I left. Did the abuse I suffer not get to the point where I thought murder was my only option? No... I actually considered that more times than I want to admit, but I did not act on that feeling. Instead, I eventually found the strength to leave the bastard.

Now, how does this reflect on my current situation you may ask...

Mike is still Mike. Maybe he isn't the same man I married, but we change everyday for better or worse. Mike and I have withstood many a trial in our marriage. We have both changed. But we still love one another; we still grow together. Growth and change are part of the experience we call life.

When they ask me, "Would Mike want to live like this?" all I can think is, "Do you know Mike? How can you presume he would not want a fighting chance to improve and live?" How many times have any of us taken life for granted? How many times have you thought, "I will not call my mom today because there is tomorrow?" But what would happen if there was no tomorrow?

I think all of us are guilty of not always appreciating the life we do have. Perhaps we do not say thank you enough, or maybe we are so busy trying to make money we forget the important things in life. This experience has made me see many things... one of those things is the value of a minute, an hour, a day.

Can I tell them, "End Mike's suffering."? No, I cannot say that. I thought I was being selfish... but it isn't being selfish or being self-centered. I do NOT see Mike suffering... I see me suffering. I am the one hurting; I am the one struggling emotionally and mentally right now. At the moment, Mike is in his own little world healing his body and hopefully his mind.

Would Mike want to live like this? The question answers itself - Mike is living. I am not God. I do not have the responsibility of choosing the value of a single breath he breathes. Whatever condition Mike is in is between him and a higher power. It is not for me to choose if he is alive or dead simply because he "may" not be as he once was.

Everyday I see people taking life for granted. Everyday I see people that have some form of deformity or handicap. They choose to live regardless of their handicap or disability. We do not end life simply because it does not meet a specific standard or because that life is difficult to witness. He is not brain dead.

Whatever today may bring, I face the challenge knowing full well that today may be his last. But the truth is that today could be my last as well. We just never know. But because of his current condition, we are more concentrated on his survival.

None of us know when we are going to die. We never think, "Hey, today on my way to work I will get in a car wreck and die." Many of us never plan for this, and we definitely do not want to think about it. But maybe we should....

Another Day in Limbo

Another day in limbo. Mike's lungs look TONS better. All of his vitals look amazing....

They have had him off all medication except insulin for over 24 hours now. Still no higher brain function. I wait; I hope. This blog was a journal of this journey. I had always helped to share it with Mike. We would grow stronger, and we could heal. But what happens now?

The looks of the medical staff is the worse. I see pity in their eyes. Doctor's say he will be a vegetable and want to pull the plug. I still feel him though... but is it just a deep seeded hope? Am I being selfish? What am I suppose to do? Say? Feel?

My plans are to wait... the medication he was on can stay in his system for 7 days. Maybe, just maybe, he needs more time. When he is stable enough to move home, whether in a vegetative state or not, I plan on moving him home. If by some miracle of God he does improve, home will be good. But if I am taking him home to die, then at least he is with people that love him.

I cannot help but think of our vows: "For better or worse" and "In sickness and health". I am doing what I need to do because this man I love so much would do the same for me.

At this point, I am not sure if I will continue the blog. But giving up on the blog is like giving up on him.

Changes

I didn't write here yesterday. I needed time to think and clear my head.

At 4:55 AM Saturday morning, Mike spit out his intubation tube. He went into cardiac arrest. They had a great deal of difficulty reintubating him. It took them 20 minutes to get his heart under control and reintubate him. No one is sure how much oxygen he was receiving during this time.

I have been told that his lower brain activity is fine, but the damage to his higher brain function is not known at this time. What I do know is that they took him off sedation, and while his eyes will try to flutter open and his head moves to pain, and he tries licking his lips.... he does not respond as would be expected.

Doctor's tried to tell me I need to think of his quality of life and what he would want.

I want them to concentrate on healing not dying. I want them to do the damn trach they were supposed to do Friday. Why is this so difficult?

I cannot give up on Mike. He would not give up on me. The doctor's have been discussing "pulling the plug" since about day 3. By the time this happened on Saturday, his oxygen need was down to 75%. He makes improvements, and due to changes in his medical care, he backslides.

Now I have to sit pondering... how much damage is there to his higher brain function? I knew from the beginning he may have issues with cognitive and memory functions. But I never thought of him being in a vegatative state. He has always tried to wake up from the sedation... and now that they have stopped the sedation... he is not waking up.

While I have tried looking this information up online, I am not finding a lot of results. Here is what I know.

The morning this happened I came flying out of bed just before 5AM. I was gasping for air, and I was reaching for something in the air that I couldn't see. I did not feel Mike anymore. Since this has happened, I could feel Mike... if you have to ask what I mean, you do not know what I am talking about. But after this "episode", I do not feel Mike as strongly as before. What does this mean?

I have cried all the tears... I have prayed all I can pray... I feel helpless, scared, and lost.

This man I love so much... his life is in my hands. I cannot let go and give up hope. Would he want to live as a vegetable? Anyone reading this would say, "I would never want to live as a vegetable!" And Mike is no different... but from what I have found online, a lot depends on what was damaged exactly. It is possible he could relearn many skills, and live a full, conscious life. But the bigger possibility is that the man in that bed is already gone.

What I know for sure is that I cannot give up on him. They have not proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is "dead". So until I see valid, real proof... I keep fighting for him as he would fight for me.

Love you, Mike. Hang in there... stay with me love.

One Day at a Time

Today was a long day. A nurse forgot to NOT feed Mike after midnight so they put off his trach until Monday. Ugh! But his white blood count is way down. From 36000 to around 21000 to 24000. He is on 85% oxygen and holding steady at 90-93 saturation. All DAY!

His kidney's aren't fairing too well at the moment, but we can take care of that later. ARDS is vicious, but my faith and love is stronger. He is holding on and fighting. I love him so much.

I am super tired today, so I am going to head to bed.

Sloping Upwards

Today was a good day - at least in my book. Mike is still at 100% oxygen, but his saturation is high. They will start lowering the oxygen as he stabilizes...

He had a triple blood transfusion and dialysis today. His saturation did not fall with the dialysis. Good news.

Today, his sedation alarm went off. The machine needed to be filled. Well, the nurse did not get there for 11 minutes - I counted. When she got there here is the conversation...

Me: "Does he always have to wait for over 10 minutes when an alarm goes off before someone shows up?"

Nurse: "No, Stephanie. I am just doing my job."

Me: "Me too, and I have more at stake than you do."

She nodded and left. Since then, she has been behaving more positive.

I continually wash Mike with a warm washrag. He gets this slimy, sticky sweat. I was the crusties out of his eyes too. Today, I lotioned him down everywhere a tube was not sticking out of. For some reason, this made his saturation rise. Good stuff.

Tomorrow at noonish, he gets his tracheotomy.

Will keep you posted....

Take me Down

Well, I got a call from his nurse. Apparently, he was doing better and then for no reason he started hacking again. His saturation dropped below 70% for a bit. It has been a couple of hours... he is at 100% oxygen and 88-90 saturation.

This rollercoaster is cruel. I want Mikie to be better. I want him to come home and play. Can we go back in time? Go back to Thanksgiving? Please?

Another Day, Another Battle

His night last night went well. They got him to 85% oxygen with 90+ saturation. His blood work looked better this morning, and his chest xray was tons better. Yesterday's x-ray was completely cloudy with little distinction between heart mass and lung mass. Today, the right lung is almost clear except the very bottom. Left lung still looks cruddy.

But this afternoon he had his first solo BM! While this sounds great, they had to clean him up so his oxygen this evening is back up to 100% with 88-92 saturation. BOOO! But they did put in a new BM-type catheter that is supposed to stop that from happening again.

I talked to every doctor and resident that went by and actually asked every one of them about a trach. I feel it is important at this point. Finally, the head doctor came in and told me they are bringing in a specialist tomorrow to schedule the trach. Good news as this will solve a lot of issues.

His nurse with 35 years of experience is an angel. We all have angel nurses while in these situations. Mike (I know what a coincidence) is ours. He said that he also works at a sort of halfway house for people in this type of condition. He is convinced Mike will pull through.

Mike is on a rollercoaster... an ARDS rollercoaster. But that rollercoaster is slowly sloping upwards. So he may drop 1 point but he goes up 1.5 points. I realize that when he comes home, we will have a lot of healing to do. He is going to need me strong... stronger than I have ever been. But I relish the opportunity to care for this loving man that has always cared for me.

He cried today...

I had them bring in a radio. Music was playing and I was singing in his ear lightly when no one was around. Come on, I have a voice when I sing that makes cats hit me and dogs howl. But I heard a gasp behind me... the nurse was looking at Mike. Mike was crying....

My Mikie is still there. He is fighting for his life, and I am doing everything I can to fight for him. This battle is not in my hands anymore.... I pray. I pray a lot. God is healing Mike. I honestly feel that God is healing Mikie.

I am tired. Another rollercoaster day. But I am more positive than ever that he will be ok...

So Tired

Going on 10-days now. This is how the doctor told me he was going to die...

Apparently he has 4 things working against him right now.

1. 100% oxygen, low saturation.
2. Poisoned blood.
3. Kidney failure.
4. ARDS.

I am so tired of hearing "professionals" tell me he has less than a 5% chance of survival. Seriously, I still feel like he is coming home. I do not care what the "experts" say at this point. He has not seriously declined... but he has not seriously improved. He is like stuck in limbo. They cannot move him without causing distress.

I have had two doctors now ask me "how long do we leave him on the ventilator?" Like taking him off is an option right now. But they want to know... its been 10 days... why are they giving up? I will fight tooth and nail with every bit of life I have in me to keep him on the ventilator for as long as it is needed.

They are talking of a tracheotomy, and honestly, I am all for it. Every time he has had a backslide it has been because he has gagged up the ventilator tube.

I realize his chances are slim, but deep in my gut, I feel he will be ok. Someday, I want to share this journal if you will with him. He needs to know. I love him so much, and I never told him enough.

Will he live? Yes. Will he die? No. That is the simplicity of it.

He is fighting. He is not giving up. I refuse to give up on him.

Another Update

Just got home from the hospital. One of the nurses is such a downer, but the others are great. But this isn't about me, this is about Mike.

His stats are roughly the same as they have been for 4-5 days now. 100% oxygen with 86-90 saturation. Blood pressure is low at around 90/50. They have him paralyzed so he won't fight the ventilator and spit it out like he did this morning. The good news (as I see it NOT the medical staff).. he recovered in hours instead of days.

He has Acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS). I have been told that alone has a survival rate of 15%. Add onto that his kidney problems and the outcome LOOKS bleak. But what I see is a chance.

What I want them to do is a tracheotomy on him so he will not keep having issues with his gag reflex. They are hesitant, but I am convinced that is possibly the answer.

I mean, how can it hurt? They talked with me today on how long we will keep him on the ventilator. As in, he will not improve and I will need to make that decision... Well, I am not making that decision at this point.

Got home and noticed two of our kittens have sick eyes again because I haven't been giving them medicine. I gave them some medicine and will hopefully remember it tomorrow.

All I have right now is my faith in God. There are miracles everyday, and I am hoping and praying that this is one of those miracles. Mike is loved. No matter what brought him to this place... we can work through it together with God.

No New Home

Another night, more complications.

I am so tired; I am numb. I am so angry at the world. At myself. Nothing makes sense. Blurred lines between life and death.

Mike is getting steadily worse. From time to time, something will happen and I will have hope. But I feel it is a false hope. Going on 9 days now.I see the man I love laying in that bed only living because of my inability to let him die. I am getting bitchy at the medical staff. I am so scared.

My brother tries to keep me strong. All I want to do is scream at him to leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONE!

They put him on a diuretic which has worked to make him urinate. Was told in the last hour that it has slowed down though. Then he had a bowel movement and spit up his breathing tube so he had yet another emergency. His oxygen is at 100% saturation wobbling between 79 and 81. His heart rate was over 160 but is now down to 120ish. Blood pressure normal.

They are going to paralyze him for a few hours...

I sit here... between crying and screaming. This is the man I chose to spend my life with. This is the man I love. So helpless....

At night I scream into the night hoping for release. This is my torture, my punishment. When does the pain stop.

Hanging in There

I spent all day in the ICU talking with Mike and holding his hand. He responded to me, and I do not care what they say about reflexes. There is an enormous difference...

His oxygen level is 95% and his saturation has been from 88-91. He has held steady at that for over 24 hours now. He started spiking a temp yesterday that comes and goes still this morning. He may be in for a CAT scan. They are worried about a blood clot in his lungs.

How long can the human body do this? He needs to fight, but how much fight does his body have left?

The last time we spoke he talked of Astoria and was telling me how much he loved me. I cannot believe he did this on purpose. I think he had been in so much pain that he accidentally kept taking more and more meds. His actions the last time we spoke and other things make me think this was an accident.

Like, he did not take all the meds. I have found many of his meds untouched. The medicine I needed for my Lupus was left untouched. The medicine he took was for pain and his blood pressure. I am wondering if he took pain meds and then wanted his blood pressure to come down. I cannot believe... maybe I am just in denial.

Things look grim. But I still hold onto the faith I have that he will pull through. It is all I have at this point.

Faith

His condition has not improved much. His oxygen is still 100% but his saturation has made it to 88. Good news... right? But his oxygen in his blood is only 55%.... not too good.

I went shopping. Got some stuff to improve the master bathroom. Was pretty gross, but when I am done, it will be gorgeous. Even bought some mats so Mike does not trip or slip when he gets home (crosses fingers).

A friend e-mailed me a message. I want to repeat it because it is beautiful...

"It really is difficult to listen to the quiet voice inside when the external appearances are yelling loudly. The quiet voice is faith and faith is the truth. Without that, we would have nothing." - J.

Thanks, J.... thanks.

Anointing of the Sick

Well, things are still not improving. I called a catholic priest who is going to do the "Anointing of the Sick" on him today. If he is with me or not, I want to ensure his soul is in a good place. Mike is a good man. He has made his mistakes, but he is a good man who is fighting hard. I just do not know how much longer he can continue fighting.

I pray for him like I have never prayed for anything in my life. I also thank God for each baby step forward and the gifts I do have in my life.

Mike, I love you. I am scared and lonely. Be safe, love... be happy.

Mucus Plug Complication

So I called this morning to check on Mike. They had to raise his oxygen to 90% again but saturation was good. Two hours later, he was on 100% oxygen and had 84 saturation.

Apparently, he started coughing. He has a serious mucus plug in his lungs. They gave him saline to break up the plug if they can. If it continues, they will do a fiber optic exploration and suck out any mucus as they go.

I talked to my friend who is experienced in this, and she said this is common. She also said this is a good sign even though things sound bad.

I cannot help but be terrified. It seems he is slipping away again. Friggin mucus is evil....

Choosing Life

Just another update. Mike is doing better I think. I know I feel more confident of his survival....

This is what happened. They took his oxygen to 85% with 94 saturation. They tried for 80% oxygen but his saturation dipped below 90 so they have him at 85% for a while longer. He is completely off blood pressure meds. All he is on right now is antibiotics, sedation, pain meds, and insulin.

His blood pressure is stable at 122/58, his blood sugar is at 94, and his pulse is 90-100. The problem is his lungs are soaked. They plan on doing another round of dialysis in the AM. It is a vicious cycle right now. But as his lungs has less and less liquid... he is starting to cough. His first normal cough scared the crap out of me. Nurse said he will be doing it a lot tomorrow to clear his lungs.

This is all good stuff. Each step is enormous no matter how small. It is a small step forward. That is what counts.

This is like watching a stock market ticker for your life. I stay glued to the monitor while hours slip by... I know what each of the numbers mean, and I know where they should be. Any change can bring a feeling of dread or elation. Nothing is this hard...

I know they say he cannot respond, but as I spoke, I can see changes in those numbers and the lines connecting him to this life. I can see the steady beat, but sometimes, I can call his name and say something and the beat will change. Does he know I am there? I feel that on some level he knows I am there and it is comforting.

What is sad is the other people in the ICU. Out of about a dozen people... only one other man has had a visitor since last week. These are men that fought for our country, and they are left to suffer the end of this life alone.

I have decided that from this year on I will do something....

There are a lot of people staying at the retirement care home at the VA. How many of those people do not have family? How many are alone this holiday season?

My grandmother tells a story about something she saw on her daily visit to my great-grandmother at the end of her life. My grandma was glued to her mom only leaving to sleep or clean up. But there was this other woman - a resident we will call "Anna". Everyday, Anna would talk about her son coming to visit. For months, she would dress nicely and tell everyone how her son would be there today.

One day, she heard her son's voice and she hurried to get in her wheelchair and go out to greet him. Once she arrived at the frontdesk, he was gone. Seems he stopped in to pay her monthly bill and left without saying anything...

How much time does it take to give mom, dad, or anyone a hug? How heartless was that man? Ticks me off...

I am going to find out about making gift baskets for some of the men and women at the VA retirement home that do not have anyone. I cannot do a lot because, well, I am a poor soul, but I will do this every year.

These men and women deserve more than we give them as a society. Maybe this way I can, in my own small way, make a difference.

Surviving Suicide

As you know, my husband tried to kill himself. His condition has gone from bad to worse.... but this morning I got some GREAT news!

His blood is no longer acidic. They have him on 95% oxygen with 95 saturation which is superb from what it was yesterday.... 100% oxygen and 81 saturation.... When 80 saturation is the minimum for life... well, that is bleak.

His blood pressure is stabilized with minimal medication. His blood sugar is easily maintained. He is doing better! He is doing 3% better according to the nurse, but that is huge right now.

Surviving suicide... one person ends their life assuming to stop the pain. But it is so selfish because it victimizes everyone who even remotely cares for the person.

Right now, we are fighting for Mike's life... But I am getting sick. I do not sleep, and I barely eat and then only when forced by my brother. I feel exhausted and tired, but I cannot sleep.

Suicide is not victimless. There has to be another way...

Feeding Tube Question

What gets me I guess is that they do not have him on a feeding tube. As I was sitting here thinking, I was wondering. If you body uses food as energy, then why is he being starved. Seems if he was fed he would be able to fight more... I will discuss this with the doctor today.

The nurse said he is the same. His HR dropped which is good, his blood pressure is stable which is good, and his kidneys are functioning which is good. His lungs are still not responding appropriately. He has not gone into cardiac arrest or had a stroke from what they can see. His blood sugar is being maintained at 90-100 with ease. So the only issue is his lungs and the stuff associated with his lungs.

They only got 3 liters of junk out of him with the first dialysis so maybe a few more will be good.

Then there is the question of the tracheotomy they may need to perform. Again, I will ask for more clarity today.

Another Restless Night

Woke up after a few hours of sleep. I feel feverish, exhausted, and just plain tired. But I have work to do...

Called the hospital so here is the update. They said the first round of dialysis was successful. They got 3 liters of garbage and liquid out of his body. His stats stayed strong so they are going to try it for longer today. Still giving him 100% oxygen with a steady 88 saturation.

The hope is that if they can get some of the water out of his lungs, he can get his oxygen requirements down. They gave him 28 liters of liquid when he came in to fight the blood pressure medicine he OD'd on. While his kidneys are producing urine, they just can't handle the added work.

I was told that the dialysis is the last ditch effort... without it he will die.

The problem right now is with his lungs. He has developed sepsis.

I am leaning on friends and family alike. One person I used to call friend... we had parted ways a while back ago. But she is a nurse with experience in these types of cases. She did not hesitate to help and did not treat me like a bad person for not contacting her and I appreciate that so much.

Hope. Faith. Love. Mercy.

Holding to the values has helped me, but I still feel so tired. My brother stayed the night and made me eat something. The sandwich was tasteless. I have never eaten tasteless food... weird.

Maybe I should lay back down, but it almost feels like I am betraying Mike if I sleep. He is fighting for his life and all I can think about is how I do not feel very good. It feels wrong.

My brother and I were talking about the events that lead up to this.

1. Mike has a nasty burn on his hand. Looks like he passed out, and the cigarette stayed in his hand and burned down about 3 inches before waking his up. When he woke up he vomited. If he had not had the cigarette, and said cigarette didn't stay in his hand, he would not have woken up.

2. I had fallen asleep earlier. I sleep hard. But I woke up after only a few hours for some reason. Just this gut instinct that something wasn't right. If I hadn't woken up, he would not have made it to the hospital.

3. The combination of medicine he took. One upped his blood sugar to right under 1200. He should have been in a diabetic coma. But the other pills kept him conscious. I rarely check his blood sugar, but something told me to. When I did, I knew it was ER time.

When you look at that, one cannot imagine that he was saved only to die in the hospital...

He is critically ill, but I have faith that he will recover. Right now I just want to see him off the ventilator and conscious again. Then the healing can begin both physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Please Help Me

I just got back... spent 8 hours with him. He has sepsis. They said he may not make it...

I am so... I hurt so bad.

Watching and Waiting

This morning, I am going in to see him. I will probably spend a bit of time there. I am worried... of course I am... but anyway, his saturation levels keep dropping. Nurse told me he is on 95% oxygen. Soooo what happens when it reaches 100%? His lungs are being trashed.... they said it may be because of the excess water he has on him. Well, that is from the meds to stabilize his heart, and his heart is stabilized...

Right now he seems to be in some sort of cycle. How do I get them to break this before the "cure" kills him? I am lost and confused, but commonsense says this has to stop....

Doctor Update

I finally talked to his doctor. He said as long as things progress in a positive manner, he will recover. He does not see taking him off the ventilator or sedation for another week at least.

I miss him so much, but this isn't about me, right?

Suicide... it is vile and selfish. I can understand being at a point where the pain is just too much whether emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual. But suicide victimizes other people. Suicide is the ultimate betrayal.

Am I angry at myself, or am I angry at him?

I feel I should have seen it, should have felt it. I didn't.My head swims with all this emotion. I pray. While I am not into organized religion, I am strongly spiritual and religious. No, I am not trying to convert anyone, but when I say I pray, I feel I need to say that. Prayer is powerful whatever deity, being, presence, or entity is receiving that prayer. It is energy. Positive energy.

My prayer all day has been: "Lord, I beg you, show mercy, love, and forgiveness."

It is all I can think of right now. I am so tired. The day seems so long. I forgot to register my car, and that was sue yesterday... yuck. On the bright side I did do a little work (I work from home). Though it was painful and took me all day to do what should have taken an hour.

I wish I had a cyber hug!

Not Again

So it has been a busy morning!

My doctor phoned me in some valium. Haven't taken any though... I am scared of medicine! But a few hours ago, something weird happened, a feeling of peace came over me. Not sure why, but I feel at peace right now.

Mike... I talked to one of the social workers at the VA hospital and she made me feel positive about the situation. She said that his records show an after care treatment plan for his release. So I was thinking, "They have plans for after he gets better!" Well, I talk to the nurse and she is the typical wishy washy type that she is. Says he is still in the same condition.

What infuriates me is that they do not tell me what he is doing. Like he vomited yesterday and some got in his lungs. NO ONE TOLD ME! Then this morning I know he was waking up fighting so they sedated him with a stronger dose. NO ONE TOLD ME!

Why is it they do not tell me what is happening? Why can they be so ready to tell me I need to contact family one day, but not able to tell me if he is getting better? It pisses me off and I know it has to do with liability. I am not wanting a guarantee... I am wanting hope.

I went to the store to get my valium, and bought a card and a little beanie baby for him. He will wake up and be ok dang it all.... right?

Come Back to Me

This is my plea... this is my message. Partially so I remember, and partially so I can try to forget if just for a while.

Mike,

It is 5:30 in the morning. I have been awake for a few hours now. Tried working and actually got a few hundred words written. Called the hospital.

They say you have a fever now. Ranging from 99.8 to 101.3 at any given time. The cultures won't be back for three days. Apparently, that is how long it takes to grow a culture. I have been told your urine is milky and cloudy; your blood isn't the right color.

I asked about the sedation, and they changed the sedation for something more "long term". So I sit here... thinking of how shitty my holiday season's have always been. You wonder why I hate the holidays? Something always happens.

I am so hurt, angry, and lonely. So very lonely. I need you here with me. Above everything I feel, I love you tremendously. More than life itself. Our song by Rascal Flatts comes to mind. I need you to find your way back home. We have too much life left to live together.

Instead of the negative... I am choosing to stay positive and pass on those positive energies your way. I have prayed, I have begged, I have cried. The numbness is all I feel now. One minute cleaning frantically until my fingers bleed, the next on the floor in a ball crying with a dog licking my face trying to get me to stop crying.

We have had our problems. But I would choose those problems with you in my life rather than not to have those problems without you. I cannot understand why you made this choice. But what I have to believe is that the pain and the suffering was too much to bear anymore.

Hey, I even looked up on chakras and passing energies to a sick person. I tried it, and I want to believe I am in some way helping, but at this point, life seems hopeless. As I log into gmail to check my email, I see that your IM message shows you online but "Busy at Play". Then I look over at your computer screen turned off and start thinking. Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I want to say, "Ok, Mike. Enough play now, come here so I can wrap my arms around you and hold you."

I want to believe so bad that you will be ok. But the longer they have you on the ventilator, the more scared I get. When asked if you will be home for Christmas, they basically said probably not. Obviously, they are careful with what they say. I am assuming for liability purposes....

Mike, I know you are still here... I can feel you. I love you babe. Please, stop playing, get better, wake up, and come home.

Another Day

I did not sleep well at all. In fact, I do not feel like I slept at all. Ick. Suicide is not the answer...

I called the hospital as soon as I woke up. "Condition is the same." I am tired of hearing that. So I asked questions. Apparently, he has "aspiration pneumonia" from when they tried to ventilate him. His urine is a milky color, and he is spiking a temperature of (nurse quote: "I am not sure the temperature right now.)

She made it sound like this is an improvement... This sounds really bad to me... how can this be an improvement?

Suicide is a horrible horrible thing. I remember reading somewhere that suicide happens when the ability to cope is exceeded. I have had my ability to cope exceeded... I am still here and I DID NOT TRY SUICIDE. This is THE most painful experience of my life. I can not phantom putting anyone through this.

I feel guilty. I hurt. I am angry. I am sad. I am a cornucopia of thoughts and feelings.

What do I do?

Update on Mike

Today has been horrible. Every time I turn around I keep thinking of him. I even went to the room to wake him up, and he wasn't there. I am in an empty house. No one but me and my animals. I feel so alone.

I call every hour and feel like I am getting on the nerves of the staff. His condition isn't changing, and they chose to keep him on a vent machine for a "few" more days. Then my mind goes crazy. What is happening to his mind? Will he be ok? What affects is this drug induced coma having on his body?

I was sitting and vegging on Sims 2. Just got in a fight with a person in a cow's costume, and I starting laughing until I accidentally called Mike to show him. I have to believe he will be ok... I need him so much.

SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!

Better Place to Be

Where to start... I guess start with the here and now. That would be the easiest. Going back in time to where it all started would take longer than one post. I am sure that I will eventually go back and take a look at what has brought me to this point. For now, I give you the here and now.

My name is Stephanie, and I just turned 37 years old. Thanksgiving was Thursday, and I have to admit it was the best Thanksgiving I have ever had. Why why Thanksgiving so amazing? Well, that is a long long story. At the moment, Thanksgiving seems so far away.

My husband, Mike, is in ICU at the VA hospital here in town. He is quite a bit older than me at almost 53. But that has nothing to do with why he is in ICU. Just wanted to give you a taste of Mike. We have been married going on 4 years; we have been together for 5 years now.

Anyway, Mike is in ICU because he attempted suicide. At the moment it is just "attempted", and by God's good grace, it will just be an attempted suicide. Right now, it is touch and go. But I am writing this because he did attempt suicide. With all the resources available online, I haven't been able to find a forum or group that was able to offer the support I need.

Let me tell you how this all started...

Friday, Mike and I woke up both in rather agitated moods. MSG is a nasty additive and we have almost completely cut MSG out of our diet. But on Thanksgiving, I made gravy that had MSG in it. This is a HUGE no-no, and I should have known better. My thoughts were that we could live with just one dish with MSG. Wrong.

So Friday both of us were agitated - side effect of MSG. We had a little spat for us. Nothing too serious, and then we went to our separate corners (separate rooms), and I went to sleep hoping to sleep off some of the MSG effects after downing my enormous glass of water.

About 2 hours later I woke up for some reason. I am a hard sleeper. When I sleep, I can (and have) sleep through an earthquake. But I awoke, and just felt something was wrong. So I checked on the cats and dog. Nope, everything normal there. Then I went into the master bedroom where Mike was. I heard him violently vomiting in the bathroom. I was still pissy, but this concerned me because he never vomited. Honestly, I have never heard vomiting quite like this. It was bad.

Well, he laid down and for the next 30 minutes, I checked on him and he was napping. I woke him up to check on him and he said he was ok but he couldn't keep anything down. Now, Mike is diabetic. So I didn't think that was good coupled with the fact he was drinking gallons of water at a time and complaining of thirst. I took him blood sugar to see what it was and it registered as "HI".

After a call to the VA, I bundled him into the car, and together we made it to the VA about 30 minutes from home. The VA was relatively empty - thank goodness. He was the only one in the ER, and he was seen instantly.

They hooked him up to a monitor, took an EKG (I think that is what the heart test is called), and took hooked him up to an IV to get blood and administer liquids. The doctor first noticed that his blood pressure was low at about 90/60, and that his saturation level was about 87% on average. But over the course of about 30 minutes, his blood pressure continued to drop.

Kindly, the doctor asked to speak with him alone. Then the doctor said Mike needed admitted to ICU because he took many of his blood pressure pills. I was shocked to say the least, but it didn't look to serious... he was talking but groggy. He would be ok, right? The doctor said that there are many ways of killing yourself, and refusing treatment over the course of 3 years is one way of slowly killing yourself when the conditions you do have are completely treatable.

I was shocked and in tears.

Well, I drove home numbly. I was completely numb. I was shaking and it wouldn't stop.When I got home I went looking for my anxiety pills. Our pill cabinet was empty. No, the bottles were on the counter... they were ALL empty. Pain pills, anxiety medicine, allergy medicine, vitamins, supplements, everything. Close to 400 pills were just gone.

I called the ICU, and I told them... they said they were pumping his stomach as we spoke. They asked my permission to start doing medical procedures because he was in a coma and not capable of making these decisions on his own. His blood pressure was still dropping. Now, it was at 48/20. His blood sugar was over 1000 (the doctor said it was the highest he had ever seen). His saturation levels were below 60 and dropping. Now realize, this is with the medication and treatment they had him on already.

They wanted my permission to ventilate him. They put him in a medically induced coma and ventilated him. The doctor told me to contact family or friends that would want to say goodbye to him. I was losing my husband. He was falling further and further away.

I went to see him... I was in tears and trying so hard to stay composed. He had over a dozen drips. Tubes coming out of every vein and orifice of his body. The only way he would breath is when the ventilator breathed for him. He was cool to the touch. I tried to cover him the best I could, but the blankets got in the way of the various lines. He had an IV going directly into his heart to stabilize his blood pressure. He had tubes down his throat and stuff going in and stuff coming out.

At this point, I was told his chances of survival were minimal. Of course, they did not say that exactly, but what they did say meant the same thing. His blood pressure was not rising, and his blood sugar was still rising to close to 1200.

I stayed with him as long as I could, and the doctors and nurses were extremely kind. Often, I felt I was in the way, but they did their best to make me feel I was not getting in the way.

After I got home, I called family and friends. I asked my grandmother, mom, and best friend to have their prayer groups pray for him. I posted online for prayers. This battle was now between Mike and God. I needed Mike to fight for his life, but I needed God to fight for him too and show mercy.

This Sunday morning, I called the hospital to check on his condition. I visit in the morning and the evening, but I call every hour. They said that during the night, his blood pressure started rising and that his blood sugar was coming down. His blood pressure was consistently 115/62; his blood sugar was down to 375. All of his body was functioning as it should including his kidneys.

The nurse said it was nothing short of a miracle.

I honestly believe prayer helped, and God showed mercy. Thank you. Thank you.

But now, I am stuck in a conundrum. I am angry and hurt. I feel responsible. What if I had not been so snippy? What if I had been there? How could he do this to me? I hurt. I want to rush in and hold him when he wakes up in the next day to tell him I am there for him, but I also want to throttle him and tell him how much this hurts. I am torn between love and pain.

There is a lot of healing that has to happen on both parts.

So that is my story of the day. Partially written to act as a personal diary, and partially to let anyone who happens across this "diary" that they are not alone. In the future, I am going to track the process of healing in an attempt to remember.