Choosing Life

Just another update. Mike is doing better I think. I know I feel more confident of his survival....

This is what happened. They took his oxygen to 85% with 94 saturation. They tried for 80% oxygen but his saturation dipped below 90 so they have him at 85% for a while longer. He is completely off blood pressure meds. All he is on right now is antibiotics, sedation, pain meds, and insulin.

His blood pressure is stable at 122/58, his blood sugar is at 94, and his pulse is 90-100. The problem is his lungs are soaked. They plan on doing another round of dialysis in the AM. It is a vicious cycle right now. But as his lungs has less and less liquid... he is starting to cough. His first normal cough scared the crap out of me. Nurse said he will be doing it a lot tomorrow to clear his lungs.

This is all good stuff. Each step is enormous no matter how small. It is a small step forward. That is what counts.

This is like watching a stock market ticker for your life. I stay glued to the monitor while hours slip by... I know what each of the numbers mean, and I know where they should be. Any change can bring a feeling of dread or elation. Nothing is this hard...

I know they say he cannot respond, but as I spoke, I can see changes in those numbers and the lines connecting him to this life. I can see the steady beat, but sometimes, I can call his name and say something and the beat will change. Does he know I am there? I feel that on some level he knows I am there and it is comforting.

What is sad is the other people in the ICU. Out of about a dozen people... only one other man has had a visitor since last week. These are men that fought for our country, and they are left to suffer the end of this life alone.

I have decided that from this year on I will do something....

There are a lot of people staying at the retirement care home at the VA. How many of those people do not have family? How many are alone this holiday season?

My grandmother tells a story about something she saw on her daily visit to my great-grandmother at the end of her life. My grandma was glued to her mom only leaving to sleep or clean up. But there was this other woman - a resident we will call "Anna". Everyday, Anna would talk about her son coming to visit. For months, she would dress nicely and tell everyone how her son would be there today.

One day, she heard her son's voice and she hurried to get in her wheelchair and go out to greet him. Once she arrived at the frontdesk, he was gone. Seems he stopped in to pay her monthly bill and left without saying anything...

How much time does it take to give mom, dad, or anyone a hug? How heartless was that man? Ticks me off...

I am going to find out about making gift baskets for some of the men and women at the VA retirement home that do not have anyone. I cannot do a lot because, well, I am a poor soul, but I will do this every year.

These men and women deserve more than we give them as a society. Maybe this way I can, in my own small way, make a difference.