Changes

I didn't write here yesterday. I needed time to think and clear my head.

At 4:55 AM Saturday morning, Mike spit out his intubation tube. He went into cardiac arrest. They had a great deal of difficulty reintubating him. It took them 20 minutes to get his heart under control and reintubate him. No one is sure how much oxygen he was receiving during this time.

I have been told that his lower brain activity is fine, but the damage to his higher brain function is not known at this time. What I do know is that they took him off sedation, and while his eyes will try to flutter open and his head moves to pain, and he tries licking his lips.... he does not respond as would be expected.

Doctor's tried to tell me I need to think of his quality of life and what he would want.

I want them to concentrate on healing not dying. I want them to do the damn trach they were supposed to do Friday. Why is this so difficult?

I cannot give up on Mike. He would not give up on me. The doctor's have been discussing "pulling the plug" since about day 3. By the time this happened on Saturday, his oxygen need was down to 75%. He makes improvements, and due to changes in his medical care, he backslides.

Now I have to sit pondering... how much damage is there to his higher brain function? I knew from the beginning he may have issues with cognitive and memory functions. But I never thought of him being in a vegatative state. He has always tried to wake up from the sedation... and now that they have stopped the sedation... he is not waking up.

While I have tried looking this information up online, I am not finding a lot of results. Here is what I know.

The morning this happened I came flying out of bed just before 5AM. I was gasping for air, and I was reaching for something in the air that I couldn't see. I did not feel Mike anymore. Since this has happened, I could feel Mike... if you have to ask what I mean, you do not know what I am talking about. But after this "episode", I do not feel Mike as strongly as before. What does this mean?

I have cried all the tears... I have prayed all I can pray... I feel helpless, scared, and lost.

This man I love so much... his life is in my hands. I cannot let go and give up hope. Would he want to live as a vegetable? Anyone reading this would say, "I would never want to live as a vegetable!" And Mike is no different... but from what I have found online, a lot depends on what was damaged exactly. It is possible he could relearn many skills, and live a full, conscious life. But the bigger possibility is that the man in that bed is already gone.

What I know for sure is that I cannot give up on him. They have not proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is "dead". So until I see valid, real proof... I keep fighting for him as he would fight for me.

Love you, Mike. Hang in there... stay with me love.