No New Home

Another night, more complications.

I am so tired; I am numb. I am so angry at the world. At myself. Nothing makes sense. Blurred lines between life and death.

Mike is getting steadily worse. From time to time, something will happen and I will have hope. But I feel it is a false hope. Going on 9 days now.I see the man I love laying in that bed only living because of my inability to let him die. I am getting bitchy at the medical staff. I am so scared.

My brother tries to keep me strong. All I want to do is scream at him to leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONE!

They put him on a diuretic which has worked to make him urinate. Was told in the last hour that it has slowed down though. Then he had a bowel movement and spit up his breathing tube so he had yet another emergency. His oxygen is at 100% saturation wobbling between 79 and 81. His heart rate was over 160 but is now down to 120ish. Blood pressure normal.

They are going to paralyze him for a few hours...

I sit here... between crying and screaming. This is the man I chose to spend my life with. This is the man I love. So helpless....

At night I scream into the night hoping for release. This is my torture, my punishment. When does the pain stop.