Another Day

I did not sleep well at all. In fact, I do not feel like I slept at all. Ick. Suicide is not the answer...

I called the hospital as soon as I woke up. "Condition is the same." I am tired of hearing that. So I asked questions. Apparently, he has "aspiration pneumonia" from when they tried to ventilate him. His urine is a milky color, and he is spiking a temperature of (nurse quote: "I am not sure the temperature right now.)

She made it sound like this is an improvement... This sounds really bad to me... how can this be an improvement?

Suicide is a horrible horrible thing. I remember reading somewhere that suicide happens when the ability to cope is exceeded. I have had my ability to cope exceeded... I am still here and I DID NOT TRY SUICIDE. This is THE most painful experience of my life. I can not phantom putting anyone through this.

I feel guilty. I hurt. I am angry. I am sad. I am a cornucopia of thoughts and feelings.

What do I do?