Taking His Time

When this started, I had always thought coming out of a coma happened in about an hour thanks to television. What I am discovering is that the process takes time... a lot of time in some cases.

Mike has been slowly making improvements. Today, Mike actually stuck his tongue out when asked. Granted, it took him about 45 seconds to respond, but he did respond and more than once. What does this mean? We will see if he can repeat this tomorrow or the next day. It is all about consistency.

When Mike grasps with his left hand, he has never held it before. Generally, it is squeeze, release, repeat... Today, I was holding his hand and he was looking at me. When I told him it was time for me to go, he grasped my hand and would not let go. He had a pleading in his eyes.

I stayed with him until he finally started snoring...

"We are sorry, but your husband is in a vegetative state."

That is not something you ever want to hear. Questioning life in general has often led me to question whether Mike really would want to live like this. But that is not a call I feel comfortable with making at this time. I have pondered what will happen if he wakes up enough to say he wants to die. How will I take that? It is not my choice.... right?

Through these last few months, I have experienced many emotions. Emotions I did not know I possessed. Stuck in this gray area that is not quite the here and now, but not able to look back or look forward. Some days all I can do is cry, but I try to hide this from those I encounter.

What I do know is that I am educating myself on topics I never imagined would enter my life. The brain is a wondrous unexplored region of our world. What "professionals" say will happen... doesn't. The brain is voodoo.

I ask myself "what if" a lot...

What if Mike had died that fateful night 7 weeks ago? What if I was rich and capable f providing him with the neurorehab I so desperately want for him? What if he dies? What if he lives?

What I do know is that each of us lives day-by-day never truly knowing whether we will be alive tomorrow. Each of us takes life for granted in some fashion. But I know that this experience has kept me locked in today. Each day is a gift; each gift is a dream. Where will life take us tomorrow? Honestly, the only one who knows that is God, and he isn't telling.