Hard Day

Today was an extremely hard day for a couple of reasons. The MD playing neurologist came in today, and they informed me that until Mike can come in and follow commands, they are not working on the front teeth they broke while resuscitating him. They now stick out from his gums and cut his tongue mind you... Finally, the bedsore looked worse and the ensuing conversation with the doctor irritated me and left me with a sour taste.

Standing up to people has never been my forte. I am the timid one afraid to leave the house. Spending time outside put me in contact with people... and people scare me or simple make me feel sad for the human experience... This is new to me.

The MD said that while Mike has regained his reflexes, he is still in a vegetative state and what I see there now lying in the bed is all that Mike will ever be. Mind you, they said the same thing last week. The difference is astronomical. He is moving his head, has triple flexion action going on, and much more. He looks away from his reflection in the mirror which saddens me on many levels.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I fighting a good fight? This is the man I love with my very being, and I feel empty without him, but I have to ponder whether I am in love with an idea of what was rather than what will be. Do not get me wrong, I love Mike dearly, but I am scared of what all the tomorrows hold in store for not just me but him as well.

His main doctor came in today and informed me that they were doing all they could do for his bedsore. But the problem is that all they do is wash it with soap and water and put zinc ointment around the edges. I know they can do more. The doctor said they were following the suggestions. My question was, "So as long as you follow the suggestions of one wound care specialist then it does not matter if it gets better or not?" She did not have an answer.

This is frustrating for me, but I know this has to be even more frustrating for him. I still feel him on many levels.... but I do not FULLY feel him as I once did. This change happened the morning of the cardiac arrest. How do I explain that?

How can I explain the cups? I was making a sandwich on the kitchen island area and facing a row of hanging cups under a cabinet about 7 feet away. All of the left cups started moving in unison. I found this strange, but what was even stranger was that regardless of how I tried to shake that cupboard I could not get those cups to move at all.

I have hope and faith... it is all that I can have. I also spend a lot of time educating myself on recovery methods, therapies, and his condition. Education is the key to my sanity.

Yes, my family tells me how proud they are, but they do not see how strong I try to be on the outside while shaking like a leaf on the inside. Stuck in a continuum of remembering his love, his laughter, his tears, and fighting a system that seems to care less whether he lives or dies.

Love always,
Steph